(Leading up to Sunday, we asked a group of comedians to share their thoughts and insights on the big game. Next up is Jake Weisman, a stand-up comic, podcaster, and cat lover who lives in Los Angeles)
I Am A New York
Hi my name is Jake Weisman. I am from New York, the most important country in the world.
I know what you’re thinking out loud right now: “Jake, New York’s not even a state, how could it be a country?” To that I say: “You’re right, I have a lying problem.”
Considering I am from New York, I can tell you first hand that there is absolutely nothing in the world like being a fan of the New York Giants. Except for being a fan of any other professional football team.
No, but really, let’s get serious. Football really is a bigger deal in New York than in other places. Like, for instance, in Australia, it’s already Saturday.
Why am I writing this? I don’t know man, maybe because I’m God? Or is it maybe because I’m NOT God? Either way, I’m from New York, and that’s a BIG deal.
I like football. I also like sports. I like football more than other sports. Football shouldn’t even be considered a sport. It’s more than that. Like for instance in Australia, where it’s nationally recognized as Saturday.
OK, so I am God. Smack. I am the band Godsmack. I apologize for my music. I only created it to get attention from my father.
My father is a BIG fan of the New York Giants. I know this because whenever he calls me on the phone he says, “I’m not your Dad, and this isn’t a phone call, I am the voice in your head. Also, I’m a BIG fan of the New York Giants.”
OK Guys, basically the only thing my father will talk to me about is football. Please let me have this. Make my father love me.
Besides, I don’t even think New England is a real place. Like where is it, in England? Um OK you idiots. That’s not even in Australia, where one day this week it will be Tuesday, probably.
Even if New England is a “place,” it’s not like they have fathers. I have more fathers than all the fans of the New England Patriots combined. I have 14 million fathers.
I am God.
On a scale of 1 to 10, I am God.
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